Hey TV mums and celeb mums, I have a bone to pick with you. You’re just not keeping it real. You make it seem like your lovely chilled out, glamorous pre-baby life has just carried on as before, even though you now have a child to look after. Yes, I know that it is possible to have the odd ‘old-me’ moment as a mum. But every day? You’re just pulling our legs, right?
Let’s take Rachel from Friends, as an example. Rachel, how on earth do you have all that time to just sit around in Central Perk, looking sleek, drinking skinny lattes with your friends, when you’re mum to baby Emma? Especially when Ross – Emma’s dad – is usually right there with you, on the sofa, having a chat. My solo coffee shop moments since becoming a mum have been so rare, I can count them on two hands.
And Kim Kardashian. All of those photos of you wearing designer dresses, out having fun with your celebrity friends? Not exactly what I was doing as a new mum (I could mostly be found burping a baby until she sicked down my back or scraping my unwashed hair back into a ponytail for my daily trek to Sainsbury’s.) Oh PS I’m not judging you here, Kim, if I could have been out in glamorous bars back then, I would’ve been. Annoyingly, my two arch enemies tiredness and anxiety got in the way.
Even you Victoria Beckham. Please tell me, how do you manage to go about your day, with gorgeous little Harper, in such a calm way? I don’t think I’ve ever seen Harper cry while you’re out and about on a shopping trip, never mind have a full-scale floor-thumping tantrum. (Honestly – take a look at a Google Image search for Harper. There’s one pic of her with a slight frown and one of her where she’s yawning but that’s it – the rest are all smiles or calm & content.)
No, in the three years that I’ve been a mum, my life has looked nothing like the lives of these TV/celeb ladies. So, in the spirit of balancing things up a bit, I bring you…
My 7 most unglamorous moments of being a mum:
- Last week, this happened: *knock knock knock* “Mummy? Are you having a poo?” As a mum, you’re never allowed to nip to the loo in peace.
- Leaking boobs in the pub. I don’t see any milky patches on Kim Kardashian’s dresses, but on my first proper night out after having a baby, I had to dash to the pub loo to get some wadges of loo roll to stuff down my bra to soak up the leaky milk seeping from my rock hard boobs. SEXY.
- The realisation that my house can be quite gross. Last year, while doing a quick tidy of the house before people came round (surely the only time you have to tidy, right?) I lifted the sofa cushions to give them a shake. Under them, I found: a bunch of dried up peas and raisins, a mini breadstick, some crushed up Rice Krispies, two pieces of Lego, a small wooden spoon and instructions for our pop-up play tent. Hmm.
- Getting an honest reminder that I really must book a wax… a few weeks ago, my three-year-old peered at my knickers as I was getting dressed and shouted: “Mummy, why have you got hair THERE?”
- Scratching baby puree/formula/yoghurt off my jeans so that I can get one more wear out of them before I wash them.
- Scratching paint/mud/yoghurt off my daughter’s party dress so that she can wear it that day, after I forgot to wash it.
- Tantrums when we’re trying really hard to have one of those picture-perfect family moments. We were in a rustic country pub with friends last Sunday. We had a table by the log fire, the pub dog was scampering around by our feet, there were locals sitting up at the bar chatting to the barmaid, we ordered roast lamb with all the trimmings. It was like Instagram, but actual real life. Until… “I DON’T WANT TO EAT MY SAUSAGES!” (repeated 34 times, plus some kicking and screaming, resulting in me lifting my squirming child out of the pub and across the road to give her a talking to and attempt to calm her down.)
What are your most unglamorous moments of motherhood? (Or is your life as rosy as the TV and celeb mums?)