Do your Facebook friends secretly hate you?

Everyone’s got a Facebook persona, whether we like it or not. Every post we make – whether it’s a link, a status update, a video – creates a mental image of us in the minds of our Facebook friends. Some of our Facebook friends are our friends in real life, too, so they take this mental image and combine it with our real life personality – what we’re like down the pub, or in the office – and they get a much more rounded version of us. But other people are just our Facebook friends. They don’t get to chat to us over a Strozzapreti Pesto Rosso and Pinot in Zizzi, so their entire opinion of us is made up from our Facebook posts. Eek.

Which of these describe you, and do your posts leave your Facebook friends groaning/cringing/gagging?

1. The social butterfly. Most likely to post: “On my fourth lychee martini at [insert edgy bar name here]… this could get messy.”
   

Checking in at the places to be seen, every night of the week, these people have amazing social lives, and they want to tell you all about it. Personally, I love them. How else am I meant to find out about fun places like London burger joint Meatliquor?

2. The proud mum. Most likely to post: A gazillion photos of little Justin being oh-so-cute.

Nowt wrong with that, you might say. Not if you like kids, there isn’t. But if you’re nowhere near the life stage of family-building, then photo after photo of Justin with his grinning face covered in baked beans probably makes you want to take your laptop and smash it into your 62″ flatscreen TV.

3. The cryptic poster. Most likely to post: “People who ignore someone’s feelings are no better than people who are just mean.”

It’s just a cry for attention. These posts are crying out for an ‘Are you OK?’ or ‘What’s wrong?’ comment from friends. Well, they won’t get one from me. I have a strict no-pandering-to-cryptic-status-updates policy in place.

4. The constant updater. Most likely to post: “Crumpets and tea for breakfast”, “Ooh, tea too cold”, “Better get in the shower now”, “Heading to the shops for a marathon session”

I often wonder how on earth these people have time to be on Facebook all day. The thing is, they post updates about semi-interesting stuff, so it’s not like they don’t have a life. The constant updater often have their Facebook and Twitter profiles synced up, so that posts appear on both (don’t even get me started on that – hashtags on Facebook? No thank you.)

5. The TMI mum. Most likely to post: “Justin just did a poo poo in his potty! Mummy is so proud, Justy Wusty! And it was a big one too!”

No. One. Wants. To. Know. Not even your closest friends. There are some things that just aren’t meant for social media. Sure, ring up Justin’s grandparents and tell them – it’s big news in their world. But it’s just going to put everyone else off their chicken korma.

6. The lurker. Most likely to post: Nothing.

These guys give nothing away. They joined Facebook to see what the fuss was about but they rarely post anything. If they ever ‘like’ your activity, your usual response is ‘Oh yeah! I forgot we were friends on Facebook!’ They don’t enter into the spirit of social media – it’s like turning up to the pub to hear everyone’s gossip, but refusing to utter a word yourself.

Recognise any of these in yourself, or your friends? Worried people might find you annoying on Facebook? Personally, I say stuff ’em – if they don’t like your updates, they can hit that ‘Unfriend’ button any time they like.